100 Titles in 2014!
Lately you've been on my mind more than usual, maybe it's because I spend the days alone, because I recently heard about you, or because the chilly winter reminds me of those nights we cuddled to stay warm. Whatever the reason, I have a feeling that this is the last I'll be missing you, and as they say, the final stretch is the hardest to get through.
Recently I've been told that you still "liked" me the night I got trashed at Johnny's. Hearing that brings up flashbacks of holding me down, telling me that I have throw up to feel better. I remember you getting me water, forcing me into the bathroom telling me it's for the best, and sitting with me by the toilet. I remember telling you that I don't need your help and that I can take care of myself. I remember you sticking your finger down my throat, insisting that we are friends and that was what friends do. And I remember biting down on your finger, knee, shoulder, because I didn't want to be left with memories of how you were kind to me. But you kept repeating, this is what friends are for.
Hearing now that you still liked me back then is... Disappointing? It showed that you weren't just doing it because we were friends. That friendship didn't and won't exist.
And hearing this also makes me wonder, what did j do that drove you away? I remember feeling the same way when David ended up with Olivian after a month or two of flirting with me. "What's wrong with me? What does she have that I don't? What line did I cross that made you turn away? What did I do wrong? Why her? Why not me?"
And I guess I'm left asking those same questions this time around. What did I do that made you stop liking me? What does she have that I don't? Is something wrong with me?
I also find myself asking questions such as: "when do you stop?" When do you stop taking chances? When do you get the hint? When he still liked me after we broke up - did I still have a chance to get him back? Should I have? When we began, I constantly told myself to take the chance. Go out with him. Tell him how you feel. He hasn't told you he likes you yet? That's okay, keep hanging out with him because one day he will - and he did. Do you feel like he's getting detached? It's okay, tell him how much he means to you and talk it out because relationships take work. Did you guys break up? Talk about it and see if he's being too quick to decide and change his mind and try again, and he did.
But when do you stop? After the first time getting blown off for his friends or work? After he breaks up with you once? After the second time? After he tells you he's falling for someone else? But how about if he says he wants to try again? If he says he still likes you? Or that he misses you?
When do you stop? I find myself asking this question time and time again.
Cue painful memories.
If I was just me. The current me: not the strong me, the old me, or the me that tries hard.
If I was just the current me.
Would people accept me?
Challenge (yes man) started august 22. I took this "challenge" because I figured all the things I regret are things I didn't go to, the things I said no. Even when I end up regretting saying yes, a couple months later, it's no longer a regret anymore.
Saturday I was invited to go to a BBQ. I Hesitated because it was at Randall's place and I know how he talks about his friends ex girlfriends, so I didn't know if he wanted me there. Was convinced and went anyway, had a fun time with Frankie and jun and Sarrah and shotgunned a beer and won :).
Shirley then asked me if I was still down to hang out with her friends, to which I said no to. I knew it would be a good chance to meet new people and I wonder why I didn't go. Maybe because I went and ate and didn't really make an impression of myself. If I were looking at myself from an outsiders pov, id think I was the awkward ex. But anyway.
I smoked with jun and talked to Sarrah. I think in the end it was because I was too tired to talk or stand or even eat. I was so tired to the point that standing up to get food and then chew on it was too much so I just sat there.
That was that. When I'm high all my insecurities come out, x10. All my guilt with jonny and hiking and for being bad company came out. I was super sensitive when it was pointed out. Dunno. Then they went to pb and I was really sad because I'm not old enough and I've always wanted to go to pb. Sad.
We were eating dinner and watching netflix with the door open. He walked up and asked to pick up his monitor. And he left.
No text for a heads up. No nothing.
Why am I sad? I'm not sure. I guess part of me is disappointed that clearly there is nothing between us anymore. We're not friends, nor are we trying to be friends anymore. We are just exes who go over to pick up or drop off something.
No conversation. No text. But what was I expecting? How are you? Let's talk? Stop fooling yourself.
It doesn't matter how he feels. It doesn't matter what he does. Keep reminding yourself nothing matters anymore. Nothing. At all.
Don't expect him to talk to you. To text your or message you or anything at all. Don't expect to hear from him when he moves. Why are you having these expectations or desires? There is nothing between you. You're not friends. He moved on and cares about new things and new people and you are no longer part of that.
It's been a month since.
when I talked about how excited I was to be in the house alone and sleep on the carpet and watch movies and unpack and do nothing for a week, I meant alone with you, not by myself. With you coding in the corner while I settle in. But I guess that wouldn't have happened anyway, seeing the way you wanted to just go to sleep while I was packing up my room.
How was it? How did you do?
Happy six month.
How was this year? Did you find the "something new" that you wanted to try?
You barely snored last night. It's like i was sleeping next to a stranger.
Is there anything on your mind?
I'm asking because my gut is telling me something is wrong.
So I'm just going to ask so I don't have to torture myself wondering anymore.
Did you want to break up?
Last night I had a nightmare
I woke up from it and felt so uncomfortable.
I felt so alone.
But then I turned around and felt your body next to me.
I has forgotten you stayed over.
I was so happy that I could hug you.
And fell asleep, warm and safe.
So I stopped doing this "New Years resolution" because I realized that it's just an excuse to wait to start a goal that you aren't going to finish. I started to make goals in the middle of the year.
But it's good to have a new goal. My two goals from fall was to keep my room clean and probably something like don't have a bad day
Goals to keep in mind for 2014
Never have a bad day. Do SOMETHING to turn it around.
Be the person you admire.
I remember a while that I used to blog the smallest but happiest details of my life
When I'm sad I tend to read other peoples blogs, including my own. But there's nothing motivational or happy. I need to start writing down my strong points.